Late at night....

I write in here. For no particular purpose, but to write. And I imply, so subtly, in between these lines, the message that my own intuition and subconsciousness automatically weaves between every written, spoken and soundless word.

Nothing particular to say, I'm just following the flow of the moment. What my gut decides to put on here, I'm allowing it to do so. ... silence.

Thinking back, to earlier tonight... Stander brings joy into my life. I know this now, that he is just as good a best friend as any other, and he does his job well. And I do mine for him. We're available for one another, and make time to hang out, even if it's just to do menial things together. We still have fun, just doing whatever we do.

I have everything I want in my life right now. Except for one thing, love. I want love so bad. And sex too. Yesterday, Stander and I were hanging out at a mall. I got in a lineup to get some food and I was checking out the girl in front of me. Fuck I'm horny. And tonight, while Stander and I were walking through a college campus, I announced it. "I'm fucking horny." I just said, out loud. We laughed, and joked around about it.

"You know, I don't think cold showers actually work." Stander said.

"I wouldn't even want to get rid of this. I LIKE being horny." I replied, then added, "well... to an extent. I mean there is a limit where it's no longer enjoyable."

"Yeah like if you haven't masturbated in a month and you're so fucking nervous and edgy you can't even function." He imitated it and we laughed. "Like getting a hard on every 4 hours. Like a rager."

I burst out laughing at that. A rager?

Anyways I have it good, save the whole being single thing. Earlier today I was happy at work, and I went up to some random person and said in a boisterous and cheery way, "Hi there!" and that persons face lit up! They looked up at me and smiled. And all the people around me looked at us, and smiled. They were kind of shocked. It was so funny, and immediately I withdrew. I maintained that happy mask on the exterior, but I sunk back inside of myself mentally, and observed. I thought to myself, "Look at this chain reaction." And truly, there was a chain reaction. As I went on to interact with the rest of the people, they were smiling at me and were very friendly. The energy in the entire room fucking changed.

And then it was over. I went back to being normal again and yeah. For a moment, I was happy, and generated happiness for a bunch of other people. It felt really cool. I don't even know why I did it. Maybe to see if I still could? I don't know. I kind of choose to be unhappy a lot lately. Maybe I'm addicted to depression. Anyways that's enough for now, it's time for bed.