Got into a bit of an argument with Mackenzie this morning. Last night as we were driving back to her house, she was telling me that she doesn't like it when I play games on my phone.
This morning we were lying in bed, and she left to go check on her laundry. I decided it would be a good time to check out what was going on the game. I logged in and started playing. She came back into the bed with me, and I was getting upset with somebody that was attacking me on the game. She said, "you're getting mad at a GAME." I focused on retaliation, and in about 10 minutes I was done playing. She had switched to folding her laundry and by the look on her face, I could tell she was pretty pissed at me.
She gave me the silent treatment and went off to take a shower and do little errands while I laid in bed alone.
I eventually got up and went out into the living room. We talked, and didn't really feel much better by the end of it. When she dropped me off this morning, we kissed lightly, knowing that we had only partially resolved our dispute.
To me, it's a trivial thing. I know many girls that get pissed off when their boyfriends play video games, or go off to get high, or focus on a football game. To those that complain, there's nothing trivial about it.
I tried to understand her point of view. When I'm paying attention to the video game, I'm not paying attention to her. And in that situation, she's losing out on something she likes. My attention. Then she adds that she feels like she's competing with the game, and how does that make a woman feel? To have to compete with a video game for her boyfriends attention?
To be completely honest...this morning I was thinking that my sexual interest in her has been fading lately. I know that we're compatible in many ways, but the reason I'm feeling unsatisfied with her is mostly based on her physical appearance. In my head, I don't feel like I want to settle with her for the rest of my life. I plan on staying with her until something better comes along. The previous three sentences probably sound pretty shitty. Probably make me sound like a bad person. But it's the truth. It's who I am and how I feel about this relationship. Unsatisfied.
Yet I'm still with her. Why? Because I'm afraid of the pain I'd feel if I broke up with her. I think many people in relationships stay together because of the disincentive, the pain that's associated with breakups.
O M G do you sound like a prick right now. Do you love her? The idea that you can see an end to the relationship is a good gauge of how it is faring. Why stay when you feel as though it's an in-between thing?
ReplyDeleteI'm confused. Is it your level of self absorption that is preventing the relationship from going anywhere, or from ending it already? From personal experience boys that play games on the pc or play station 3 or whatever... they don't want what men want.
Man up and dive in or get out. The person who you will love forever isn't necessarily the best looking one you'll ever meet...
I think part of the reason I get so self absorbed is a defense mechanism, but I could be wrong. I could blatantly be an asshole, but that's not the way it feels all the time.
ReplyDeleteI have some feelings for her, but it's not 100%. We even talked about how we'd feel if we broke up, both saying..."it wouldn't hurt that bad."
In other words, we were both saying to each other, "You're not that important of a person in my life right now."
We're trying, and so far, I think we're not very deep into the emotions of love and lust and what not. It just feel...complacent. I feel like I'm just being complacent with all of this.
This isn't a matter of diving in or getting out. There's no infatuation in this relationship, but it's good enough to keep going. I was probably feeling pretty vulnerable when I wrote the above, and shriveled up into a sour bastard. It's a shitty defense...but I could always be wrong about myself and what kind of person I am. After all, no one likes to see themelves as a bad person, and we justify our actions in any way we can.
Honesty is good, standing outside the box and lookin at yourself and admitting your true feelings is a start, even if it is here...anonymously :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Sugar. You know what clarabell? There's no reason to call me names about this. Many people have feelings and thoughts like this, but they won't admit that they think/feel this way.
ReplyDeleteAt least I'm honest enough to admit what's going on in my mind, and reveal it, naked and exposed and vulnerable (at least to you guys).
And Mackenzie and I talked about some of this, we almost broke up. And we decided to stay together, and see how things go. Conscious, and aware of the fact that the longer we stay together, the more attached we'll become, even if it's gradually.
I'm pretty sure that our relationship is a temporary thing. This isn't a forever and ever thing. We're in it for now, and we'll see where it goes.