The on year oath

...has finally come to an end. Tomorrow, I reach the end of my oath to myself, the promise to not speak with Cyan for one full year. To make such a promise creates a shadow. This shadow had the words, "I promise to contact her after a year." It's a promise I made to a little quivering piece of myself. A hurt, needy and sad part. A part of myself that really wished we could just get back together.

But I suppressed those strongest desires and impulses to reach out for smarter, healthier goals. And here I am now. One year later. Still a little twinge of sorry. Still a little piece of sadness within my eyes. I am a changed man. Those emotions were the strongest I've ever felt for someone. And they very well may be the last time I'll ever feel that way for someone. Here I am, on a new trail, a new person.

Will I contact her? I don't plan on it. For one reason... I don't want to disturb this peace that she and I have had. It's been calm. Although sometimes stale, calm is good in comparison to the storms, flooding emotions and nightmares I was having a year ago. Am I hopeful? Yes. I hope that someday I can experience those feelings again. A woman who inspired me to write and let out my emotions and secrets on an anonymous blog. Anonymous, mostly, so I could hide it from her. Anonymous, so that I could communicate with you, the reader, in a way that's as naked, vulnerable and as real as she and I communicated.

And despite all of that, a little piece of myself wishes that she could see all this.

Anyways, I'm doing much better now (in comparison to when I started blogging). I guess I'm not as inspired and emotional. Maybe a little bit jaded. But I remain hopeful.