I remember you

I miss you. I miss you tremendously. It brings tears to my eyes to think of you and remember the limerence. The tears sting my nose and my mouth salivates. I long for such a deep passion again. It's never been the same since then.

Of course, I can move on. Of course I can. But for now, I grieve. Waiting, for something new. And I turn my nose up and turn my face at each new thing life presents to me. I scoff at the new dates. I don't want them. I want a new you.

I went back through my notes and found one. One that I wrote while lying in your bed, while you were in the bathtub. I was sad. I was distrustful of you. And I wrote why. Reading that, and listening to "our" song, brought back the moment, exactly, ineffably.

I was there in your bed, remembering how the day played out. We were walking down the sidewalk, it was a warm and sunny day. The weather was perfect, but I felt your distance. And I commented on it. You said it was because you got in a fight with person x. But tonight, I think you were lying. I think you were afraid to say something to me that would upset me. And I was the exact same way with you. We were like that, together. So I accepted your lie, and believed it. Blindly, in love.

I swam in the Ocean, and you stayed on the beach and talked on your cell phone. When I came back and warmed up on the sand, I was shivering. You told me to not get hypothermia. You were more distant, and you said you were bored. I was unsettled by how cold and distant you were. While on the train ride, I said to you "you look wiped" and you said that you were just tired, dehydrated and hungry. We rode 40 minutes in silence on the train back to downtown.

When we got there, you were rushing ahead to get to the restaurant. No holding hands, no easy pace. You said you were hungry and wanted to get there right away. Maybe you were. Maybe I'm putting things together in a way that portrays something that isn't really there. But this is how I saw it, and I was getting upset. I wanted to stop walking so fast and relax. Maybe I was more tired than you, because I was sick and I had been swimming in the water. Well, I didn't say anything as we rushed on through the street lights, and eventually I was just mad.

When we finally sat down in the restaurant, I was mad. I guess I didn't look mad when I told you that I was, but afterward you could tell. You asked why, and I said it was because you were rushing ahead of me when we walked to the restaurant. I admitted that I considered just stopping and ditching you. You said that would have made you mad. Then you told me about how you threw the last person out of your place when they visited you. Then I started to prepare myself mentally in case you threw me out too. I couldn't trust you.

They say hindsight is 20/20. I can see now why you did some of the things that you did. And I could see how blind I was. I was in love. I loved you, and I still don't know why you did the things that you did. And you probably don't know why I did what I did.

I am divided. Part of me believes that you sometimes look back and wonder and care and miss the good times. The other part believes that you don't really give a shit, and see me as a dime a dozen. I don't know what to believe. You know what those parts are? They are the very same parts involved in limerence. The hope, the longing, mixed together with the fear of rejection. Together, they make the cocktail of something that will get you drunk on love.

You can't force your heart, whether it's to love someone or to get over another. This is our anniversary time, and I will mourn. And then, valentine's day. I'll be single.