Post date assessment

It was alright. She's on meds for depression, and mood stabilization. That kind of put me off. But I relaxed a little as we continued on past that information. I told her that I've had problems with depression too. And really, who am I to judge? I'm definitely not normal. No one is, really. However.... some people are more crazy than others.

Anyways we went to one of those theaters that plays movies that have been out for awhile. We watched Daybreak. It's about vampires, and it was a pretty good movie. They followed the formula. Music stops...camera focuses on dark corner... something loud flies out... it's a harmless bat. You sigh in relief. Then boom! Someone gets bitten in the neck. That kind of thing.


While we were watching the movie I had my arm around her. I stroked her hair with my right hand, her head laid against my shoulder. I moved my hand down a bit and used my thumb to stroke her chin, and just barely touched the bottom of her lower lip. Felt good man, I can still smell her on me. She gave me a ride home, and in the car I asked if she wanted to date again.

She sounded like she was on the fence. She said sure. But then said that she's looking for a serious, long-term commitment kind of thing, and doesn't see that in me. 2 years ago, I was more like her. I was specifically looking to find a partner I could feel secure with. Now I don't believe in such security.

It's not that I don't want a long-term relationship, because I definitely do. But I don't want to get into a relationship with the expectation that it's going to work out. I'm willing to date someone and fall in love, knowing that we're going to eventually part. I told her that I am also looking for a long-term thing, but I'm not banking on it. I just want to date someone for awhile and see how things go. So, we kind of awkwardly agreed to date again. But it didn't exactly feel right.

And that's how I feel now. Still a little unsettled by it. Feeling a teensy bit rejected (even though it may seem irrational to feel rejected). Peppered top of that, is a little bit of hopelessness. The cherry on top? Writing in this blog.

Why feel that way? Because I was hopeful. I was hoping we would click, and we'd make a good pair and I'd be able to finally stop looking for someone to date and just relax with someone. I'm really not as picky as I once was. But I still have standards. Maybe it's my duality. Because while I was with her, in the back of my mind I was thinking "Maybe when so-and-so moves back into town I can dump this girl and go out with her instead." Stuff like that. Then I thought back to it, "Is it even worth it to risk a relationship that's working out for something you're not even sure of?" Is it worth it to risk a relatively stable, invested relationship for lust or romance? I don't know. I don't think so.

She could pick up on my uncertainty, my energy, my vibe. And that's probably why she was uncertain if we should continue dating. Truth is, I haven't met a girl that drives me batshit crazy in a long time. And if I have, then I've been too scared shitless to even make a move on her. So what the fuck? Here I am dating girls that I'm *uncertain* about, girls I want to turn into a security blanket and then make tenuous plans to meet Miss Perfect while I'm wrapped up said security blanket.

And the funny thing is...I usually fall in love with my security blankets. I find affection, passion and sultry kisses so few and far between, that when I get it, even if it's from a placeholder, I cherish it. Yet even then, deep in the back of my mind, is a slithering snake. And they can sense it, and so can I.

Cyan is the most I've ever had someone wrapped up in me. And it's the most I've ever been wrapped up in someone else. And as a result of that, when we were in our makeup-breakup cycle, even when the dust was settling and it was really sinking in that we were breaking/broken up... she offered a string to me. A string that I could keep her on. And I took it, and I tossed her a string to me as well. And then I closed the door. Strings trailing behind me. No goodbyes either. Just a slammed door in her face, and silence.

The thing with strings like that. (Keeping someone on a string) Is that you can later tug on it, and find that it's become decrepit, or has snapped or unraveled somewhere down the line. They don't last forever. If you leave them long enough, they erode and fade away. That's why I'm giving it 1 year. A 1 year vow of silence to not talk to her. And in the mean time, I find my heart more and more at peace with things.

Anyways, wrapping this up. I don't think I'm going to date this particular girl again. The main reason? She doesn't sound like she's willing to get into a relationship, knowing that we'll eventually break up. Annnnnd, she wants kids eventually and I don't. That's a big barrier right there. Now- it's bed time.