Loving and losing

I'm just sitting here listening to our song.



It's reminding me of you. Right now, I kind of miss you.

When we broke up, I had dreams of thunderstorms and earthquakes. I developed a pain up and down my right leg and hip, my sciatic nerve. I changed. My facial expressions sank. I eventually became bitter.

I paced back and forth in my bedroom, unsure what to do with my time. I called everyone I knew, calling for guidance, for support. I didn't know what to do with my time, my money, or myself.

Nobody offered any real good advice, except my uncle. He told me to focus on my career, and to just stay put. Don't move anywhere, just stick around and focus. It helped to give me ground. It was the same kind of advice you might have given me. And it was your advice that I felt lost without.

I had no confidence in my ability to make decisions for myself. I had become dependent on your mentor-ship. And after I had lost it, I really came to appreciate it. It's changed me. And now I'm a different person, with different goals, heading in a new direction. A drastically new direction. I really want you to know that you had a positive impact in my life. You really did help me.

Sometimes, I still miss you. Other times I hate you. Anyways... I never want to lose this depth. I never want to love somebody in a shallow relationship simply because emotional scar damage has left me with little capacity for overwhelming emotions. I only want to feel completely wrapped up in the next one. To risk it all, once again. To risk being completely heart broken, jumping in bombastically, outrageously, is the only way for me :)