Acting

It's a tough decision, having a social life or the sense of security knowing that I'm being productive and alert at my job.

Although I recognize that my depression is hindering my relationships with my co-workers, at least my numbers are pretty good and I'm being polite as a fucking Disney princess with our customers.

That's the thing I like about my job. What matters is your numbers and how good you represent the company. I can feel like shit and spend the previous 10 minutes thinking about killing myself, and then spend the next 5 talking like I'm bright-eye'd bushy tailed on a Monday morning. As Patrick Stewart would say... "Acting."

It's this sense of security that I desire so strongly, because the past several months I spent living in a valid fear of becoming homeless. I was sleeping on the floor and living off of quick-boil Vietnamese noodles. I had various contingency plans should I wind up living on the street. 

But here I am now with a job, and as one by one, basic amenities like a bed and a chair become available to me, I find myself with an aching hole inside of me that grows despite my higher standard of living.

Real relationships. Maybe that's what I'm lacking. Perhaps it's my own fault. Maybe I'm just clinging so hard to my full-time job, that I'm neglecting interpersonal satisfaction.... and there's the rub.

I don't know. As always the real root of my problems always elude me. Perhaps I'm just stupid, or maybe this is completely natural for a human being to not fully grasp the cause of their own inner-turmoil. 

Maybe I'm just over-analyzing it. I must defend analytical thinking though, because I've hung my hat on it many times while in a pinch. And I believe thinking long and hard about things has helped me solve some pretty tough setbacks. But then again....how many setbacks have I incurred simply because of my overly-analytic mind?

*sigh*

I want to give up. On at minimum of a weekly basis, I remind myself why I came here to this new city. It was to do many things, and "adventure" was one of them. I had the slightest spark of enthusiasm when I thought that perhaps the risk and novelty would rekindle my happiness. I feel like I'm holding an ever shrinking match beneath a burnt-out chunk of coal.