Thoughts on depression and suicide

I felt unbearably depressed for awhile. I decided that if I wanted to feel "normal" - I would need to do a few things. I figured that emotions are a chemical reaction in the brain, and if my brain wasn't creating enough of a certain chemical, it might have been due to a poor diet. I ate a LOT of starchy food, like bread and bananas. So I began adding more mixture to the food, in the hopes that by consuming a greater variety of chemicals, my brain might have an easier time creating a greater variety of emotions.

I also began to sleep more, because I realized that it was easy to feel like giving up if I felt tired all the time. I knew that with a better diet, and a good night's sleep, it would be easier to make good decisions for myself that would ultimately lead to me feeling better in the long run.

I also realized the importance of socializing. I felt so lonely because I lived in self-inflicted isolation. I decided that I needed to go out and see people in the real world, outside of work....even if it felt really uncomfortable for me.

I've noticed that even if I hang out with somebody and the 20 minutes we spend together over coffee is uninteresting....as long as we don't talk about depression and suicide, I walk away feeling a little better.

Now onto a more controversial decision that I made...

I knew that sometime in the future, I might become very depressed again. I decided that while I felt energetic enough to stand up and do something with myself, I should move myself into a strategic position for the future. Just in case.

So I moved to San Diego. For many reasons.

One reason is the sunshine and warm weather - this makes going outside and feeling the chemicals that sunshine triggers in my body much more accessible and easy. It also means that socializing is easier because there's no shitty snow or rain or clouds holding people back. Many people are outside walking a dog or having coffee by the street.

I also moved here to experience novelty. Being a child is fantastic because everything is novel. Think about the first time you saw fireworks - it's pretty cool. But after so many times of experiencing it, the magic just fades away.... I figured that by moving to such a new place, I might experience some novelty again...and I have, to a minor extent.

The risk... I moved here also to feel some sense of risk and adventure. I felt that the position I was in previously was the result of many "safe" decisions. I was bored. I felt like this:

Here's where things get a little controversial. One of the biggest reasons I moved to San Diego is because it's close to the Mexican Border, and across that border is a city called Tijuana. In Tijuana I can buy drugs to kill myself peacefully and painlessly. The drugs in Tijuana are like the holy grail in the world of the well informed suicide-enthusiasts.

Tijuana isn't the only place to buy these drugs. They can also be purchased in crystal/powdered form from China, but one bears the risk of being caught by authorities should you try to get a package sent to your address from a Chinese distributor - and the risk of getting scammed.

The drug, Nembutal, can also be purchased in Lima, Peru.

Personally, I believe that every adult deserves the fundamental right to death by suicide should they choose to do it. Otherwise the question arises about who owns our lives, and how free we really are.

Being suicidal in today's world is like being at a house party, wanting to leave, and having everyone convince you that you shouldn't. You can try quietly sneaking out the back door while no one's paying attention, jump out the window or simply say "I want to leave now." The problem with expressing your desire to leave the party, is that almost always, people will try to prevent you from leaving. Your friends might say things like "stick around, it'll get better, I promise" or "here try these drugs, this will make you feel better." But in the end, if you want to go, no one at all is legally allowed to support your decision to leave. It's like society is insecure about it's participants wanting to leave the party.

I hope that one of these days suicide becomes an acceptable approach to end one's life. Because as it stands now, life isn't really the most voluntary thing - and that raises a lot of questions about our freedom. We don't allow rational thinking people to have an easy way out. We just don't. It's not allowed. If you think that about suicide, there's something wrong with you.

Anyways, I think it would make the world a better place if people didn't need a special license to purchase a drug that makes suicide a peaceful and painless matter. It would create a whole new avenue for non-violent protesting for change. People who are being pushed to the point of strapping a bomb onto themselves could instead just walk down the street and end their own pain and misery more easily. It's not like we were looking down at earth from the heavens and said "hey yeah, I'd like to sign up for that." Why can I put my cat to sleep if it's suffering, but I can't put myself to sleep if I'm suffering?