Confidence

It's not the magic key because someone may fall for you for looks or for money. But without it, you're missing out because you don't realize how valuable you really are. Confidence in yourself. Remember: You can't be anything you want to be, but you can be a whole lot more of what you already are.

I'm a sweet person, and very soft. It's not something I'm particularly proud of, because I am still learning to just accept the reality. This is who I am, and if I can just accept that, I can begin leveraging myself by using what I've got.

I'm learning to read other people better too. This is something I intuitively knew would happen with age. Now I am older and can look at someone else squirming in their place, and think "I've been there. I can relate." It makes connecting with people so much easier. Or at least understanding them. It comes with age, for everyone I suppose, and for that I'm very thankful.

I'm also learning to see other people's lack of confidence. This is so helpful. I'm going to use details here. 1st. I must, absolutely must admit something and it will break one of my rules here but it has to be done. I am terrified of talking to girls I don't know.

Now. Moving along. I talked to one just today, at a panel discussion on peak oil. Most of what's to follow may seem arbitrary and common knowledge, but it's funny how fast a person can *forget* or ignore basic fundamental logic when boiling in fear. *sigh* Okay, I was wandering around with a copy of the University newspaper in front of my face. I'm looking for the room that the metal band is playing in tomorrow, for I may take one of my prospects there because that person likes metal bands. While wondering around I see the girl. She's sitting there with a copy of the same newspaper in front of her face. I asked her "excuse me? Do you know where...I'm trying to find... uhm. The ballrooms."
"These are all the ballrooms" she pointed around. "I think that's the one for the peak oil discussion, if you're here for that."

I was thinking about going to the one at 7:30 but I felt a little more inclined to go this one instead for some reason. :) So I checked it out. I went straight in, and introduced myself to the group of people hosting the panel discussion. They were pleased, and probably relieved. I've been in their position before. There was nobody else in the room.

The panel was scheduled to begin in 5 minutes and since the room was practically empty, I felt even more inclined to attend it now. Peak oil is kind of an important issue. The girl outside probably heard me talking to them, and I began walking back to meet her and let her know that indeed, this was the room. She was coming in and I asked "Mind if I accompany you?" and she accepted. So we sat together.

Now. Here's the weird part. I tried striking up a conversation with her and she was very cold. I'm not going to bother trying to explain all the reasons why this could be. But, instead of focusing on how I fucked up, I simply thought "well this is awkward." As more people came in, a guy sat behind us and I tried striking up a conversation with him to alleviate my embarrassment. He responded fine and we talked for a little while. That's when I knew...I didn't fuck up. I didn't do anything wrong, for I almost repeated word for word the same conversation starter-upper to the man that I did the girl. He responded fine, she did not.


A couple days ago I met a more loquacious person. I got on the bus, I was exuberant and happy. I had just scored the date with that Bonita Senorita I'm seeing in.... 8.5 hours from now. I step onto the bus, and I take a moment to stand there and confidently scan the faces of the people looking at me. I didn't see anyone I knew, but I saw some attractive girls. I let my body decide where to sit. It took me to the right place.

I received a text from that Bonita Senorita. It was in spanish, and I could only understand that she was calling me beautiful and stuff like that. At the end it said "Abrazos" and I had no idea what that meant. I texted one of my spanish friends. "What does Abrazos mean?" No answer. I look around for someone who might know the answer. No one. I look to my left, one of the pretty girls, she doesn't look like she'd know either. But what's this? Canada flags on her nails?

"Are those Canada flags on your nails?" She almost jumps at the chance to talk! :D The conversation was flowing, she made great eye contact, smiled a lot and was very intelligent. She made having a conversation easy. Like *really* easy - enough to imply a certain level of attraction :3 I could have asked her out, but I didn't. I still haven't built that macro yet, but I should probably get on it. Regardless, now I know her name, and she knows mine. I also know that just because someone is cold and taciturn, doesn't mean I'm doing anything particularly wrong. I just need to remember this logic instead of boiling in fear/embarrassment... A lesson in confidence when dealing with strange women.