Perspective

I can't believe it but I still think about you. How fucked up is that? Well to some extent I'm glad, because it gives me something to write about, AND it was one of the main reasons I created this blog in the first place.

So I question... what kind of person are you? How would I have perceived Cyan, if we were just friends? If we had just randomly met on a bus, in another life, and we became acquainted... how would I perceive you?

You know what inspired this blog post? Something very much worth writing about...yet my brain literally hurts trying to think about all of this. I'm recovering from a minor concussion I incurred a few days ago. (It was from sparring with a friend)

So I received a text message from my roomate:

So dude seriously Wtf? I texted you like 2 days ago with a question, i'll be back in a couple of hours. See ya then

How do you view that? Welp, here's the thing. Tone takes a huge precedence in this scenario. I saw that as a threat, and a way of instigating a fight. I saw a lot of hostility in that text message, and my heart began to beat faster, adrenaline began coursing through my veins and I mentally prepared for a fight.

In the end, I completely misunderstood the tone in that text message. There was no implied hostility, it was all perceived...imagined.

And...that's what happened with us, so much of the time. So much....of what was there...was illusionary. And that's why I wonder what kind of person you are when I don't have the veil of limerence blurring my vision.

You mentioned that one day...you saw things from my point of view. You described it as being in a crazy mirror house. Everything was distorted...and it was scary to you. That glimmer of seeing things from my perspective made you see how frightening the world was to me in that very moment. And then you mentioned that you didn't want to see things from that perspective again.

Anyways, I saved his text message. I looked at it the next day and saw it from HIS perspective, and it was completely innocent.

Guess what I saw in the saved text messages? One from maybe a year or so ago.

Cyan:

Thx 4 all the effort tonight. U totally carried me/us thru that. Ur an awesome bf. I wish we were together so I cud show u how much i care.

And i want to say i was really impressed w how u handled it when u called and on skype. U held it together kept us moving fwd and i know u were hurt. Ur tough and determined. U did v well.

Im proud of u and u shud be 2. U were our leader tonight.

Coming from you, it meant so much to me that I saved it. And I haven't saved anything since then, until a couple of days ago.

First of all...I'm surprised with the language you spoke in. You really dumb down your txt msgs. Yet...near the end of our relationship you began to write your texts in complete sentences, with proper grammar and spelling! And....in my dream...you msgd me w/abbreviated words such as ths. When I awoke, I thought it was out of character for you to talk like that, and now that I look back on these year-old text messages, I can see that you really DID talk like that. My subconscious remembered.

Strange how that works, isn't it?

And the other thing too, is when I read your text message now...it has a whole different tone to it. My thoughts aren't drowning in the wonderful emotions of love and lust, and fear of rejection.... I saw it, and this time I could see what kind of person you are, when I'm NOT in love with you.

But there's so many angles to look at things. And there isn't necessarily one "true" angle to see it from. They all have an element of truth to them. Anyways, that's all for now. Goodnight.