Not sure why but suddenly I am acutely unhappy. It's a cocktail of bitterness, irritability, pessimism and so on.
Not sure why but my eyebrows are furrowing at the sight of people. I want to be alone. To crawl into a little hole and sleep until whatever these feelings are, dissolve and fade into the black abyss of unconsciousness. To wake up naive of it all.
That's not going to happen. So proper emotional management skills are neccessary.
I focus on my breathing. Inhaling deeply, focusing on the emptiness around me. Whatever emptiness there happens to be, I am thankful for. I also wish there was more.
What started this? I'm too ashamed to admit it. For it reveals how pathetically weak I am. How vulnerable I am to the slightest things.... and some would say, how unstable I am.
I don't like thinking of myself as unstable so I focus on other things. Not what started it, but what carried it from something so small and insignificant into a deep problem. That something, is my thoughts.
My thoughts make up the thunderstorm that strikes my consciousness with lightening bolts of memories, critical statements and visions of despair, pain and anguish. Thoughts of death, hurt and forfeit.
More than neccessary, says my rationality. But hark, what is this I see? Nothing but a black abyss. Hell bent on shrouding the sunlight that shines outside. There's this emotional well, deep in my soul. Pouring, overflowing with the ether that inspires my being. Sometimes the well generates all that is good, others it's akin to a bubbling cesspool of hydrochloric acid.
The thing with instability is that on the outside, you can only see what sparks something. If you say something such as "It's good weather to fly a kite" and the person next to you goes into a nervous breakdown, you don't understand it all.
ReplyDeleteIf you could only experience everything that's happening inside of that person from the moment the words "Fly a kite" hit their ear to the moment they fall onto the ground, hyperventilating, you would then understand. And if what happened in their mind happened in yours...you too would crumble.
Aghh that's a pretty torturous way of thinking you have...the most damaging thoughts of all are the ones we harbour about ourselves..x
ReplyDelete