The pursuit of happiness

I don't miss her. I miss the feelings. The emotions and the sensations. At that time, everything in the world seemed right. I miss that feeling more than anything.

I want freedom. I feel so tied down by my job and finances. I know everyone wishes they could just win the lottery and not have to worry about work anymore.

I long for an escape, a change, a vacation.

Sometimes I want to crawl into a hole and sleep for a long while to get rested. But in analyzing past experiences, I know that I have a latent generator of energy within. If something were to inspire me, I could generate excitement and go forward with gusto.

That's what I miss. Having the generator going full blast. I don't have that anymore. Instead my mind is what pushes me forward. To trudge towards punching in at work. And to push through the daily, monotonous tedium I set for myself on my days off... my to-do list.

I guess when I wish to crawl into a hole, or go on a vacation, is that I'll find my inspiration again. To find my smile, instead of plastering it onto my face through a mental effort.

How does a person activate their internal generator of happiness? I find that it happens by random circumstance. If an exciting thing happens out of the blue, I get very excited and motivated. If I try to convince myself that I'm excited to go to work, I'm just trying to fool myself. It doesn't work that way.

So there's two parts. Something comes from within, and something sparks the latent fuel inside of me, something from the outside. It's like the chemicals and proteins that make up the feelings of happiness already exist in my brain, but it takes something outside of me to trigger my brain to produce those chemicals.

Some argue that it all boils down to perspective. It's all in how you perceive outside events. I don't think it works exactly like that. I think, that your perspective colors outside events. And that's a limited power.

There are some things that you can do, however. If you know that sunshine, hot babes, drugs, beaches, comedy clubs, novelty, comfort, snuggles, sex, music and so on are the kinds of things that trigger your happy feelings, than you can consciously choose to relocate to an environment where those things are bountiful.

Of course, that won't last forever. Because those things that make you happy now, won't make you happy forever. So it's an ongoing thing. I guess...I wish I had the freedom, and the financial power to be able to afford making the adjustments neccessary to get out of this sad situation I feel that I'm in. (at least that's how it feels today)

There's one more thing that I want to add to this. It's been said that one of the things that sets "successful" people apart from non-successful people, is how long they can put off instant gratification for something bigger in the long run. You see....this morning, I forgot that I'm working towards a goal of freedom. Vast freedom, that I've never had before. And that's why I'm so sad right now, I forgot the light at the end of the tunnel, and all I saw was darkness.

But to get out now is to cut short on my investment. So I must continue to remember WHY I'm doing all of this. It's going to suck ass for years to come, but when it's all done and over with, there's a goal to be made. And if I can hold that goal in my mind, I can hopefully churn that generator at least a little bit, and maintain some subtle inspiration to drive forward in times of boredom.