It's been a couple of years since I've written anything that I would consider to be worthwhile on the subject of love and romance. It kind of saddens me to know that I have so little inspiration in that regard. Not anymore anyway.

*sigh* What happened to me? Where has that spark gone? These words themselves feel dry and stale. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want my vigor back. When I started this blog I was pouring my heart out. I said all the things that I wanted to say to Cyan, but instead I said them on here. I was in love with her. And I was heartbroken while I wrote a lot of the "good stuff" in 2010. I would spend time listening to sad songs, feeling the emotions overflow inside of me. I would channel those energies into writing.

Today, I still listen to sad music sometimes. I still shed a tear when the emotions are stirred up inside of me... but I don't have much new content. I haven't loved anyone like the way I loved Cyan or Fizzled, and those were relationships that happened around 2008 and 2009. Yes, it's only been a few years. What's interesting is that those relationships happened in such close proximity with one another.

Were Fizzled and Cyan such amazing women that they had the power to make me love so deeply? While they were good lovers, I am sure there are many equally good lovers all around me. After all, both of those relationships went up in flames, and I could find someone to have a re-run like that at the drop of a hat.

I guess I'm trying to protect myself. But I'm tired of hiding behind my armour. I want to *feel* that again. And this post...these very words that I'm writing are inspired by something that I wrote near the beginning of this blog:
I never want to lose this depth. I never want to love somebody in a shallow relationship simply because emotional scar damage has left me with little capacity for overwhelming emotions. I only want to feel completely wrapped up in the next one. To risk it all, once again. To risk being completely heart broken, jumping in bombastically, outrageously, is the only way for me :) 

This is what I want. This is what I've always wanted. Instead I got into a relationship with a woman who if I recall correctly....I simply called my "Taurus" girl. What was that relationship about? It was a security blanket. Today, I feel a little guilty. I think she loved me more than I loved her. I didn't want to get that close to her. Even still, with the hindsight I have now, I don't think she was what I was looking for. I even knew it then.

Regardless....I just spent about a year and a half snuggling up with a security blanket. The risk wasn't there, and neither was the depth of love. I don't know if it's a lack of potential partners in my life, or if it's a lack of openness on my part. Am I being too guarded? Or am I correct in my selectiveness with my next relationship partner? It's so confusing.

Another issue I'm noticing is the change in my approach to it all. The way that I'm thinking now...it's jaded. I feel like this is an old tired game. I feel like my life force is fading. I feel like I'm becoming an automaton, who's just running through a pre-programmed set of actions and emotions. Other people can see the "awesomeness" in me. And if I take a moment and really try to look at myself more optimistically, I can see it too. But some things have changed, which I guess this whole post is about. Maybe this is just what getting older is going to be like for me.

I need to do something to make sure I don't just turn into a "fuck bitches, get money" kind of man. I can see myself turning into a money hungry depraved pervert. I guess what I'm saying is I don't want to forget about my pursuit of love, and that I need to open myself up to the possibilities more. I think a big reason why I'm not pursuing the possibilities as much is because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. That is a very real fear.

I guess I'm doing the best with what I know. Maybe I am not doing so bad after all. I am writing this, which shows that I at least have taken some time to contemplate this whole subject. I am making minor efforts towards pursuing potential lovers. For example I asked out a girl that I had a crush on, TWICE. We went out for coffee. It wasn't a spectacular date, and we are definitely in different age groups. But since then I've kept in contact with her. There was a spark between us, I know it was there. I felt it, and that's what I acted upon. It felt so good, that I couldn't help but smile when I thought of her for awhile.

After her, I made a #2. Yes, a #2. This girl I chose solely because she was and still is damn sexy to look at. I've made small attempts to get to know her better. She is very seclusive to most people, but she responds kindly when I initiate a conversation with her. We don't talk much, and this is what makes her a difficult pursuit. I asked her if she would come to a house party that I was hosting, and she graciously said no. She could also tell that I was nervous as fuck when I asked her, because I was stammering and slurring my words.

I don't know. Maybe I will continue to be super-selective with who I pursue. At least I'm acting with more focus. At least I'm not chasing tail or wasting my (or anybody else's) time by engaging in a non-promising relationship. At least I'm looking at what's out there, and saying to myself "THERE! That girl. That's the one I'm going after." and then doing it. I just hope that I'm making the right decisions and that I won't regret this when I'm older.